The Jewish Christmas?

With Chanukkah starting tomorrow night, I've found myself reading a number of articles asking – and purporting to answer – the incredibly important question of whether or not the eight-day Festival of Lights counts as "the Jewish Christmas."

Now, anybody who is at all familiar with the Jewish and Christian holiday cycles should be aware that the only actual similarity between Chanukkah and Christmas is that they both begin on the evening before the 25th day of the first winter month. Chanukkah is a celebration of what may be the first recorded example of a people winning its right to religious freedom and self-determination. Christmas is the first in a trilogy of Christian foundation-myth holidays that proceed from the incarnation of their God (Christmas) to His death-and-resurrection (Holy Week) to the founding of their Church (Pentecost). Now, Jews have our foundation-myth cycle as well – God saving us from Egypt (Pesach), feeding and protecting us in the wilderness (Sukkot), and making a covenant with us in Sinai (Shavuot) – but Chanukkah is not part of it. 

But never mind all that. Let's say we want Chanukkah to be more of a "Jewish Christmas." What would that look like, do you suppose? In the interfaith spirit, I offer the following tongue-in-cheek look at a few of the things Christians do that we Jews could adapt: 

Christians put lighted evergreens inside their houses. This is already roughly equivalent to lighting our menorot, so we can skip that one. 

Christians put nativity scenes on their front yards to remind everyone that they are celebrating the birth of a baby. What could we do? How about putting Macabbees brandishing swords in our front yards to ward off anyone who might want to burn our Torah or quaff our menorah? My son suggests we make them motion-sensor-triggered for extra effect. Alternately, we could build model Temples in our front yards, replete with repaired Torah and re-lit ner tamid.

Christians festoon their houses and yards with colored lights and Santa and reindeer figures. This has nothing to do with their religious holiday. So, we should put lighted dreidels in our front yards. They should spin when people drive or walk by and play – as obnoxiously as possible – "I have a little dreidel". Extra points if your dreidel throws gelt at people whenever it lands on gimel.

Christians like to post words all over the place that resonate with the meaning of their holiday: Peace, Love, Hope, and so forth. Maybe Jews this time of year should hang big signs declaring "Religious Freedom or Death!" or "Self-Determination or Bust!" Doesn't have the same ring? 

Christians tell their children to be extra good this time of year, lest Santa leave them bad presents. Maybe Jews could start telling our kids "keep Kosher or the Macabees will get you!"

And finally, Christians insist that every children's television franchise produce special episodes in which their beloved characters have to "save Christmas" (who knew it was such an endangered holiday?), and that every television station re-run favorite Christmas specials for weeks before the 25th. Clearly, Jews need to recruit Disney and co. to start producing Chanukkah specials. My kids especially want to see a Maccabee Buddies movie from Disney, but I'm not sure if Dora and Diego save the Temple might be going too far. And let's not forget It's a wonderful chayim and Miracle on western wall street.

Okay, I think that might be enough to actually give us a true "Jewish Christmas ". Or maybe enough to show us why we don't actually need one...

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